Avoid reading if your time is intense.

I love to emphasize the positive or negative feeling that I sensed in me, as to assure myself that my surrounding is genuine. Because if truth be told, there was once when I considered everything was a mere nightmare and that misery would end when we awake. And that was also the period when I suddenly became someone who was cold-blooded, kinda a pokerfaced-psycho. I searched for emotions but not the slightest sympathy could be found. I knew I should be reacting to this pitiful scene but I couldn’t feel anything. I knew I should be feeling something, I ought to be. So where was it? It was scary. It was literally empty. I asked myself, why? Why wasn’t I feeling sorry for this person even though I would then wipe away the sadness for it is none of my business? Just like in a night’s time, I’m nothing but a hollow body form. After that disturbing experience, I became as affecting as I could and gradually I managed to find its existence. I yearn to undergo the same kind of sensation – whether if it’s disappointment, angst, it’s still quite wonderful. This is why even if it was a negativity, I tried my very best to be aware of it. (I am quite an optimist, hence the word suicide didn’t influence me for I’ve accepted the way world is revolving – nearer and nearer to hardships, but that’s also how we get toughen up.) You have to learn to value feelings. Don’t attempt to abandon it when you suffer heartbreaks, because when it disappeared you would be missing it and one thing for certain, it might never return. Since living is already very pointless to what we matured fool-heads gained insight on, we should then allow calmness to devour us and be conscious of what our fingertips are on, what squeezes into our head, even if it was a mere bit of opinion, enlarge and focus on it to make it fill up your mind before brushing it away. The slightest feeling that your heart can feel isn’t revealing that you’re weak. Don’t pretend to be indifferent, show what your reactions are. If you believe you’re taming your emotions so to take hold of your actions more appropriately, sad to break this to you, it isn’t control. It isn’t. You’re mistaken.It is masking.